Cole's Suicide Letter
by Mickis
Summary: We have all seen him write the letter, and we have all wondered what was in it. What was his thoughts at that desperate moment? The moment he wanted to take his own life. The moment he wanted to end it. Here is my version...


In the episode "Sam I am" Cole wrote a suicide litter to Phoebe.  
We never got to find out what happen to that letter.  
Or what he wrote in it (except for a few words).  
Maybe we haven't seen the last of that letter in Charmed.  
Maybe it didn't disappear, but I have always wondered what his words to her were in that letter.  
Maybe if Phoebe found it and read it, she could understand the amount of pain Cole really felt.  
Though no words in this world can explain the hurt he experienced.  
Of course then it'll be too late for her to do anything about it.  
But I just hate the idea of her hating him till death.  
If the script writers knows what's best for them, she better find that letter!  
  
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Phoebe.  
The day we met you stopped my heart. Soon I came to realise the truth - I belonged to you, as did you to me. But since we came from different worlds, you being a witch and me being a demon, there could never be an us. I tried a thousand times to deny it, tried to focus on my task. To eliminate the Charmed ones. But it was useless. I could never kill you, even though I tried I just couldn't lie to my heart - I was in love! For the first time in my life I actually felt something besides rage and anger.  
Eventually you found out about my true identity and I will never forget the pain in your eyes. For the pain I caused you in that very moment, I'm forever sorry.  
But in spite of my demonic past, in spite of my evil doings.. you loved me no matter what. Stood by me through love and despair, laughter and tears in joy and sorrow. For the first time someone believed in me. And because of you, I believed in myself.  
The years I spend with you were the best ones of my life. The reason for me being born.  
But we had our ups and downs during those years. Evil always tried to lure me, to turn me. And every time it did, you were always there to save me. Your love saved me.  
We knew that both heaven and hell were against us. And those are pretty slim odds. But what do you take the risk for... if not for love?  
Then when the Source took me over, I knew this was I fight we wouldn't win. And yet I didn't give up. My love for you was much too strong to rest. He had all the power over my actions but he could never affect my feelings for you. It was terrible. Seeing you getting hurt and not being able to do anything about it.   
Then when you finally found out the truth you had to make the biggest decision of your life. And I'm proud of you for making the right one. You vanquished me.   
But what really killed me was when I got back from the Wasteland. When I realised that you had given up on us. I don't know what happened to you when I was gone or what may have changed? The Phoebe I was forced to leave never would have given up on love. And the one I returned to wanted nothing to do with me and wanted to move on. I understand. You were too tired to fight, but that would never have stopped you before.   
You are and will always be the reason for my existence. And I thought you felt the same way but I guess I was mistaken. And I didn't want to believe that you had given up on us. I couldn't believe. The realisation itself would kill me.   
So I stayed. I stayed and fought for us, alone. Tried every way possible to make you see that you were making the biggest mistake of your life. I tried to make you look at me the way you used to. The way your look alone inspired me to breathe. But the more I tried the further I seemed to push you away...   
Now it has come to the point were you hate me and wish me nothing but death.  
And it's starting to sound like my only way out. Life without you is too unbearable to live. I would know. Because before I met you I felt nothing. Everything that I'm proud of, everything that I am is because of you. Your love taught me how to live. It taught me how to laugh, how to cry, how to give and most importantly. You taught me how to love. This is why it is my choice to end what I used to call my life. In my heart I will always keep our love and what we used to have.  
I just want you to know that I'm terribly sorry for all the pain I have caused you and your sisters. I truly am. I want you to know that everything I've done since I met you. It was for love, for you. But that doesn't excuse my actions in any way. Wrong thing for the right reason is still the wrong thing.  
And even though our story didn't end with 'happily ever after', it was all worth it. I would live all the pain again just to see you smile once more. To hear your laughter one last time.  
I hope that a part of you still loves what we had, what we shared. That a part of you still looks back on our time together with a smile decorating your face. But I can only do so much. I can only hope...  
Goodbye Phoebe and thank you for letting me be a part of your life.  
Your love awakened my soul and if the only way to make you smile again is to end it.. then that it was I must do.  
Please remember me...  
  
Love Always / Cole  
  
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Now that you're done reading, you have to do what comes next. I'll give you a clue. It starts with 'rev' and ends with 'iew'. Does it ring any bell? 


End file.
